Fishies...

We've been attempting to eat more fish recently. The only problem is that fish is as expensive as meat and I don't really like fish - particularly the kinds that are good for you. Salmon and mackerel are supposed to be good for you. I only like salmon after they have turned it into lox and if memory serves me right- it's been a long time - mackerel ain't so great. Monk fish is pretty good if you can get it...red snapper is lovely too - if you can get it, or afford it. See, that's the trick - getting it and affording it.

If you are lucky enough (or, during hurricane season, not so lucky) to live near a coast then you probably have pretty good access to FRESH fish, the rest of us have to deal with frozen. Once again there are caveats - you don't want farm raised fish. You don't want fish from China, Indonesia, Cambodia, Vietnam etc. First of all, fish from these countries is farm raised, and like domestic farm raised fish, they are full of chemicals, antibiotics and other assorted what-have-you. Then those fish are processed in the country of origin, frozen, and then transported to the USA, then trucked to a warehouse near you and then to the retail store. That fish is probably older than you are! Okay - I am exaggerating - but it is old...and I always worry that it has been frozen, defrosted, re-frozen...

We actually buy frozen cod fillets, or haddock (haddock is twice the price of cod!), making sure it comes from US or Canadian waters and that it is wild caught. Sounds complicated? Nope - Trader Joe sells such items. Me being lazy buy the already breaded fillets. (I've just discovered that 'filet' is more commonly used for meat and 'fillet' is for fish. So I guess when the Canadians say "fill-it of fish" instead of "fa-lay of fish" they are more right than wrong. But they still say 'pasta' funny...).

Last week Mrs. Paul's Crispy Fish Fillets were on sale at the store - buy one, get one free. I read the label - contents are okay-ish, I bought them. I cooked them. Not nice at all. Not Nice. Pretty awful actually. Threw them all out - the ones I cooked and the ones still in the freezer. I'm not too sure I have ever bought Mrs. Paul's before, I certainly never will again. But you know when you think of frozen fish you kinda think "Mrs. Paul's", don't you? If you never have, then please, don't.

So today Key West Pink Shrimp were on sale at the store. Yes, I know they were probably previously frozen but still - Key West! Country of Origin on the tag - United States. On Sale - I'm in. Cleaning/peeling shrimp has got to be one of the more tedious little chores but it will be worth it...SHRIMPIES for dinner. Yay!

I think this is so funny but why oh why are there no

happy cats?

I swear she is starting to pose now...

Missy Frankie Lulu Belle was rolling around on her 'window sill" - which is her way of saying "Pet Me" - so cute. I remarked to my husband "As soon as I get the camera you know she is going to jump down" But I went for the camera anyway and got this:

When she saw the camera, I got this...

The little bugger is learning to pose...

Generic

Last night - 1:30 in the morning - not able to sleep - pain - husband snorting/snoring/gasping/talking . Went into the kitchen, just leaning against the counter, in the dark. Thinking: I've had enough - of everything - of it all. Thinking: I am afraid of everything, all the time. Afraid - every moment of every day. Have been so for years. Irrational fears - of course - most. Not afraid of dying - just dying violently, painfully - I've had enough physical pain in life, prefer death to be easier. There is nothing that does not scare me. Cars - oh my god - I am so afraid of cars. Have been for years and years. Afraid of the houses I have lived in - especially the one in Philadelphia. Appliances - every time I turn one I expect it to blow up, catch fire. Every time I flush the toilet or turn on a faucet I expect a massive leak. Every time I eat I expect to get food poisoning. I'm scared that I will say the wrong thing and someone will sue me. There is nothing that doesn't frighten me. There is nothing that I do not fear. I am scared. Every. moment. of. every. day.

I went back to bed. I lay there thinking that I want to go. Let go, and- go. There's nothing I want, or need to hold on to. Time to go.

And how does generic apply here?

I get these little inspirational quotes from The Universe in my email every morning. They are generic. Everyone gets the same message each day. This morning the message was:
"Everyone's scared, Grace.
Few carry on.
Keep calm,
The Universe"
Did that inspire me? No. Did that comfort or calm me? No. Did it make me smile? Yes, yes it did. I love coincidences because there is no such thing as coincidence. Not really. Or at least not often. Because there is no such thing as 'never',  is there.  So - sometimes - yes, a cigar is just a cigar and shit does just happen. But mostly - there is no such thing as coincidence.

I am always amused that, indeed, I seem to get what I need, when I need it.

Today, a generic little message, made me smile.

A little grumpy - or something else...

I am moving from room to room - not remembering why. Can't sit for too long, lying down is a total bore, so is standing - I mean how long can you stand in one place doing nothing? For no reason? The vertebrae in my lower back have no discs between them and they often pinch the nerves resulting in massive muscle cramps - you can actually see the bunched muscles - and that's where I've been since last night.

I've got to drop a bunch of weight because that will take pressure off my back but honestly yogurt is not real food - I'm not much of a bread lover but sandwiches are quick and easy, and even tho I am not fond of them, I am craving one, simply because bread is off the table (so to speak). Eating is such a psychological thing for me - I am not "eating" unless I have a plate and a fork. My stomach may think it's eaten but my brain says NO. Probably why I don't consider soup food either. Add to all this my dislike of cooking - I bet there are actually folks who cook 2 or 3 times a day - make breakfast, lunch and dinner. I can't even imagine doing that. People who cook breakfast every day - holy crap! - I cook breakfast - at night - for dinner!

And it seems everyone is pushing my buttons today. In the Thursday home section of the newspaper there was a 2-page story about decorative pillows - I HATE decorative pillows. Just like I hate table lamps, granite counter tops, stainless steel appliances, chandeliers, dark colored walls, wall to wall carpeting, fireplaces and miscellaneous, meaningless tchokes described as "accessories". I also hate "open concept" - I do not want my kitchen in my living room! Walls are very nice things - I want as many as I can get!

And then I clicked on something on FB - someone was promoting someone else's recipe for a cake - the title sounded good, the recipe sucked! It was all boxed cake mix and faux whipped toppings (which are made of all kinds of horrible crap) - the whole cake was artificial everything out of a box or plastic container! Nasty! Baking a simple cake, from scratch, is easy. It really is. I don't like to cook but even I bake from scratch. (Did you ever have one of those cookies made from boxed cake mix? Wow - what a waste of time - the texture alone makes me gag).

It is early afternoon here as I write so I suspect there will be many more instances of my buttons being pressed before the day is over. If anyone likes the things I hate - and I know there are MANY (MANY) who do - I don't need to hear that. I know you are there, and Please enjoy these things you enjoy, my opinion does NOT matter. On the other hand, if there are any out there who hate the things I hate, Oh Please let me hear from you - my husband and I get lonely....

(Conversation outside my window at this moment: Guys screaming at the tops of their lungs across the parking lot: "Is the power on? No. Push the red button. I will push the red button. Is the power on? No." What I found so funny is the preciseness of "I will push the red button" ...)

Cool!

(Image from:http://onyx-tigeress.deviantart.com/gallery)
Just got back from the eye doctor. Had my eyes dilated - and Wowzies - I'm living in a psychedelic world! The building is off white but it looks deep pink to me. The brown entry doors are a light green and the grey padding in the elevator is an eggplant color. White is so very, VERY white, it just shimmers and glows, and yellow is brighter than the sun. But blue ! OMG Blue - anything blue is more blue than I've ever imagined could exist...

This is so cool!

So picture this...

a large stainless steel sauce pan, in a 350∘ oven for 25 minutes. Taking it out of the oven with an oven mitt on both hands. Left hand pulls out the oven rack, right hand lifts out the pan. Hot pan is placed on top of the stove, left hand, with mitt, removes the pan lid. Both mitts now taken off and then, right hand, sans mitt remember, grabs the handle of the pan.

Oh yes - I did!

BTW - dinner turned out wonderfully. Absolutely delicious. I cooked the thinly sliced potatoes, shallots and mushrooms in a bit of butter in one pan while searing the tenderloin in the larger pan. Spread the vegetables around the tenderloin, added a splash of white wine, covered the pan and put it in the oven.

When it was all cooked, and after I burned my hand quite thoroughly, I removed the meat to the cutting board to rest, reduced the pan juices to a nice glaze (leaving the veggies in the pan). It wasn't very colorful - the potatoes and the shallots kinda took on the coloring of the mushrooms, but it smelled devine and tasted even better!

I spend a few dollars a week

on lottery tickets. And I do mean a few - like $5. I am always amazed at the folks spending $50+ at a time on the daily numbers as well as the big lotteries. I hope they win often enough to at least break even. Today I splurged a bit - it's a big Powerball pot this week and I just want to win second prize. I checked my credit cards and so far this month my only "purchases" were charitable contributions and I spent nothing on anything else, cash or charge, so I figure I'm good for an extra $10 this week.

We all know I hate to cook and dinner is usually semi pre-prepared and all I have to do is pop something in the oven or the microwave with a few of my own embellishments. Tonight I have a pork tenderloin - TJ's stocks these quite small ones and last week (or perhaps it was the week before) I sliced one into medallions, marinated and then pan cooked it. This time around I will rub it with olive oil and garlic, sear it on all sides and then add - and here are the new items - shallots, cremini mushrooms and red-skinned potatoes sliced thinly. I'll put the lid on and finish cooking it in the oven. I think a splash of balsamic vinegar might do well on it and I hope I have some in the cabinet. Hopefully it will turn out to be another of my one-pan wonders. I am queen of the one-pan wonders!

The power-washing, metal scraping is right next to us now - tho they have stopped early today - they will be power washing our section tomorrow - which means we have to take the screens out of the windows - I wonder what that will sound like? Then on to painting so I guess it will be quiet for a week or so - painting is quiet work, right? Then metal scraping will begin again as the next section is balconied (is that a word?) - balconies to the right of us, balconies to the left of us - trying to think of a good paraphrase for the next line ("volleyed and thundered" ) and I've got nothing.

You would think I would be happy that they stopped early today, and I am but - we face onto the parking lot and some moron's car alarm keeps going off....

I need a....

(Disqus is back on - but please do not ever feel obligated to comment. Yeah, I know - always flipping back and forth - can't depend on me for consistency. Unless of course it's the consistency of never being consistent.)

Just words...

I really hate blogger. And I really hate the blogger comment interface. I like disqus but it goes all wonky too much of the time. I wonder whether comments are really necessary for a blog like mine - I think not. Some of my friends feel obligated to say something. Life is filled with enough obligations, do I need to add more to anyone's life - innocuous as that obligation may be? I think not. Then there are the people who only comment if I have commented on their blog. I hate that 'tit-for-tat' mind set. Personally I only comment when I have something positive to say...blogs that feature photographs, as beautiful as they might be, what can you say day after day? And then again sometimes the pictures are crap - then what - I'm not gonna say that. Then there are times when people post about things I can't relate to - it might be a charming post, or a funny one, or a poignant one - I read it and - No reaction. So I say nothing. And that is why I am deactivating comments on this blog. Now you can read (or not) and then move blithely on. Good-O!

Saturday the weather was very strange - and today it is a glorious early Fall day. Oh wait, it's the middle of May. No matter - still a gor-gee-ous sun-filled, brisk and breezy day. I love the light and the sky and the way the air smells. And finally it is quiet. One day a week we have quiet. Blessed quiet. Only the sound of the wind in the trees. You cannot imagine how glorious that makes me feel. It makes me feel so good it brings tears to my eyes. Until we moved to Philadelphia I had never lived in darkness. I had never lived anywhere that was tree-less, light-less, air-less. I spent the first 44 years of my life living in various boroughs in the City of New York. I lived in houses and apartments. I lived in mid-town Manhattan and I always - ALWAYS - was surrounded by light, trees, sky, the sounds of birds and yes, in one place, a glorious view of the Empire State Building! It wasn't until I moved back to Northern Virginia that I realized how very, very, VERY much I NEED light and air and trees and the sound of birds. I need these things as much as I need air to breathe. As long as I have these things I am happy. Just writing that sentence brings tears to my eyes. Remembering how awful Philadelphia was makes me sad and depressed. The worst 4-years of my life and that is saying a lot because I have had some really bad years. But even those other bad years were never light-less, air-less, tree-less. I am not overly fond of where I live now - except for the light and air and trees and birds. These I love. These I need. These I have.

Today is Mother's Day and I have written about my mother. I have nothing good to say about her. She was a sad pathetic person. Who lived a sad pathetic life. To the best of my knowledge she is still alive. 96 years old. Living in a nursing home somewhere, having succumbed to dementia. Probably alone, but then she doesn't know that. Unloved - and if she were aware of anything, she would probably be aware of that - perhaps she was always aware of that. How sad.  Alone, unloved but thankfully unaware. So perhaps someone has had mercy on her. Allowing her what she never allowed anyone else. Thinking about her makes me so very sad. No one will mourn her death or celebrate her life. No one. So fucking sad.

Dear Mom -

You were the first...

And in this corner...

(Click on the photo to see it full size) I am always amused at how they mirror each others position - Sometimes they can't see each other and yet they will be in exactly the same position...

Shoot me now

I am about to utter those forbidden words. Those words, that when others say them, I run screaming into the night. Those words that fill me with disgust and put a sneer of disdain on my face. Yes folks, those words - IN THE OLD DAYS.

I've it in my head for at least a week that I want fried meatballs. I've never in my life fried and/or baked meatballs. I only make meatballs when I am making gravy (tomato sauce) and I cook them directly in the gravy - like my Father always did. The mother, on the other hand, would fry them first. I don't fry anything. I saute in the merest slick of olive oil or I bake. Fry? Nope. Never. I am going to have to look up 'fried/baked meatballs' to get the general idea of how to do this.

I do know that fried meatballs require more ingredients than meatballs in the the gravy - just a few more, like basil and oregano. But all meatballs require lots of fresh parsley - never parsley flakes - have to be fresh because the flavor is more intense and it adds moisture to the meat mixture. A bunch of parsley costs anywhere from $1.49 to $1.99, depending on what kind you are buying. I will use perhaps half of a bunch and then the rest will rot in the fridge because I don't use fresh parsley very often. This upsets my frugal little soul. BUT...

[Insert forbidden words here] parsley was FREE. Yes, you heard me, FREE.

[Forbidden words] supermarkets did not have meat departments/sections they had a real live butcher who cut your meat/cold cuts to order, wrapped it in butcher paper and marked the price on the wrapper with a grease pencil. If you were a kid, and the butcher liked you, you got a slice of bologna as a treat. (I ALWAYS got a slice of bologna and the mother once asked the butcher why - did I look like his wife or daughter? The mother never understood why strangers liked me. Hell, I was in my 20's and still getting a free cookie at the bakery!)

The supermarkets also had a 'fruit and vegetable' guy. You would tell him what you wanted and he would bag it up, weigh it and mark the price on bag. You would ask him to throw in some parsley (or he would ask you if you wanted some), and bam into the bag, NO CHARGE. I remember the fruit and vegetable guy in the Associated, where we did most of our shopping. His name was Chick and he always let me take some string beans, just a few, you know, as a snack. I remember Chick most because he was the first person who called me by my Italian name - Grazielle. I had never been called that, directly, before. (When I asked the mother what "Grazielle" meant she said "That's your name in Italian, stupid!" Yeah, the mother was a gem.)

Deep in my heart I truly do believe parsley should be free...because, well, you know, it always was...in - THE OLD DAYS.

That's My Big Boy...

This is my husband's extra large, over-stuffed recliner...with a cat who just barely fits...Guess the cat is extra-large and over-stuffed too!

Talking Heads

If I were writing about 2-faced people I suppose that little picture would be more appropriate but since I can't draw and I can't find what I want, it will do. Besides I don't know any 2-faced people - the mean, nasty people I have know were, well, mean and nasty right up front.

Also I know, but only from general knowledge, that there was a musical group called 'Talking Heads' - I think the musical part is questionable (I don't know why I have that impression) anyway, that's all I know about them.

My point is - and I know I had one when I started...

I have no patience for 'talking heads' on television, in videos etc. If you are just gonna stand there and tell me facts then I'd rather read it...I'll skip the visual, just give the the transcript. Or get to the point- quickly (unlike me!)

I followed a link on Facebook that was a video of commentary about the The Shrub's library/museum. The initial commentator was, oh how I shall I say, not good? Then she passes over to a video of some guy who I gather was explaining something about the Katrina event - I don't know, he was over-explaining, droning - Bleeh - Boring - Talk faster - What's the point - Can I please just read about it! And furthermore Doonesbury is doing it better!

So - Chop, Chop ! Move it Along. Talk faster. Let's GO, for pete's sake! Snap, Snap!

Ah, Robbie Burns

"The best-laid schemes o' mice an' men gang aft agley..." Wednesday night was the first meeting of the Communications Committee which was held in the building lobby because I can't navigate the stairs to the room where meetings are usually held. Sitting in a wretched chair with a note pad on my knee had me twisted around, bending over and resulted in my back going badly TWINGE and I left the meeting early.

This morning (Thursday) we were supposed to lose power around 9 so I got up super early so I could shower and dress and my husband and I were going to go gallivanting. Unfortunately, the Wednesday back-abuse resulted in the Thursday-back-in-extreme-pain. On top of that the power never went off. Why? Because there are three (not 2) electric panel boxes and we are on the grid for the third one and it wasn't being upgraded today. Seems that third box was upgraded a few years ago. Everyone knew that but couldn't be bothered to tell the people who would be affected, or in this case, NOT affected. We did manage to go out for an early lunch and then some food shopping, at which point I was a hunched over-dragging my legs-on the edge of tears mess.

So I was Secretary of the Communications Committee for less than 24 hours. I had warned them I was not a good choice...I also said that having meetings in the lobby was not a good idea. It was sweet of them to try and accommodate me. I hope I can still participate on some level. Communication is not good around here (see above paragraph!)

I've disabled the Disqus commenting program - lately a few people haven't been able to comment, I assume because of it. And it does go wonky a lot of the time...I give up.

So that's been my day - I had turned off my computer at 7 this morning in anticipation of the power outage, didn't turn it on again till 2 pm - now it is almost 3 and I need to lie down, and yes, yes, I took pills...they don't help.